What is a Soulmate?
by Phil Marks
Let us look at some basic ideas of what a soulmate is. If you have been lucky enough to have had
time with a soulmate then you probably have your own list already. Maybe you haven't written it down, but perhaps
you recognise some of the factors.
What is the point of this you may ask? Well, in today's world of online dating and multiple serial
relationships, how do you know when the 'right person' has come along? Women have a better developed sense of
intuition than men, but still make mistakes, so intuition is not the be-all and end-all of making good relationship
decisions. Yes, there are certain things that each of us looks for in a relationship, and often we make a
My list of characteristics is based on what I think is important. Your list may differ - you might
not even be seeking a soulmate; some guys only seek someone to kepp them warm, cook and wash their socks; some
ladies are only looking for a cheque book. Anyway, my list, based on several good relationships and one definite
soulmate (15 good years) is:
- instinctively thinking about one another at the same moment - phoning up only for the other
person to say - oh, I was just thinking of you or just about to phone you;
- having tremendous respect for that person's point of view;
- not referring to them as 'my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend' and so on, but as 'John, Peter,
Sandra' and so on. In my mind, this avoids an implication of possession;
- wanting to be with that person as much as possible
- sharing dreams and hopes for the future, and having a plan or way forward which is jointly
- providing unconditional emotional support. This can undoubtedly be difficult if one believes that
the partner's actions are wrong, but if respect for them is strong then that makes the support easier;
- having the same ideas at the same time. Ok, this is aspirational for some people perhaps, but not
unusal. Of course, this can be seen as limiting the development of a relationship, because the challenge of
differing perspectives is absent. However, on the other hand it does mean that compromise is required less often,
and that can be a boon when one person is less inclined to compromise. Constant compromise by one side only can be
corrosive in the long term;
- a core set of shared interests, with each having other interests which bring new aspects and
experiences into a relationship. These 'satellite' interests maintain a continual flow of new events into the
Some people might say that such relationship with these factors is boring, claustrophobic or clingy
- and there are plenty of other descriptions.
For me though, if that is the case, then you are not soulmates. I've had relationships with clingy
people, and I know I've been perceived as clingy in others - the key point though, is that there is a mismatch.
It doesn't stop you having disagreements, but if you have deep respect then you really listen to
what the other point of view is.
Those are the key aspects of what (in retrospect) was a soulmate relationship for me. And we are
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© 2010 Phil Marks. All rights reserved